Peace of Heart, Peace of Mind

Haley Aleman | Writer

Growing up I was a child of very few words. Starting to journal was like uncovering a gold mine for me. I’ve always been awkward in the worst ways, too embarrassed to tap into my mind and get to know myself beyond the surface. I had a hard time making friends as every move I made was internalized in ways that would make an overbearing mother gasp. As you can imagine, it didn’t do great things for my mentality.

I was excited to start putting feelings into words, but getting the ball rolling on that first page was no easy feat. It felt too intimate, leaving behind these feelings on unprotected pages when they’d never seen the light of day before. I had to desensitize the part of myself that felt life was a never-ending performance. Things that I used to grit my teeth and bear were now flowing onto the pages uninterrupted. Through these choppy sentences, I could finally try to be understanding of myself in a way I’d always been afraid I was incapable of. 

It’s been a year since I started journaling, and it’s finally something that comes easily to me. I can feel a change when I reread the pages that grace the front cover. I’m starting to see myself in a new light. Finally getting the opportunity to get to know who I am at the overdue age of 18 is a little humiliating, but I’m glad I got to know myself at all.